I am not beautiful like you. I am beautiful like me.

Health advice #57- Don't get your fuel from the same place your car does. (taken from Food Rules by Michael Pollan) 

As we close on another year, there is something I see more and more of and I am hoping this next year we can all work on it.  

Self-Esteem.  Self-hatred.  Self-loathing.

There, I said it.  


Why is it we are so loving and compassionate to others but so hateful to ourselves.  Come on, you know what I'm talking about.  Examples-

1.  We overindulge then feel bloated and miserable and hate ourselves for not being able to stop- we know better but feel like we lack self control.  We let this instance snowball into a week, a month, a year of instances because we feel we are weak.  Self-Hatred
2.  We cancel a get together because a) we are feeling fat and don't want our friend that we haven't seen for so long see us this way or b) we are so fat that we have nothing to wear.  We put our sweats on and decide to stay home and gorge on ben and jerrys instead.  Self-loathing
3.  We look in magazines admiring the beautiful women in the advertisements on every other page.  We wish we were as beautiful as them...as skinny....as happy.....  We compare our worst qualities with their best qualities.  There goes our self-esteem.

All those instances are examples of me.  Yep at one time or another and more often than I would like to admit, that was me.  I'm pretty sure some of you reading this can also see yourself in those words.  We all do it.  It has become socially acceptable to beat ourselves up.  I would NEVER and let me repeat NEVER treat any of you in the same manor I treat myself sometimes. 

I had a friend tell me she didn't think she was worthy of my friendship because she was overweight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHAT WHAT?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    I was shocked to hear that!  When I look at her, all I see is her beauty.  She is so pretty and is always put together.  She is kind and thoughtful and generous and an all around sweet person.  Her weight didn't mean a thing to me.  But to her, that was the only thing she saw. 

Can you tell when I gain 5lbs?  10lbs?  Maybe, maybe not, but I sure can feel every pound and I feel like when I walk into a room, my entire body is screaming, "look, look how much weight I have gained!"    I have always hated my thighs.  Just too jiggly, too thick and too much cellulite. I feel like my thighs define me.  "Do you know J?!"  "Oh yeah, you mean the girl with the red hair and big thighs?" Said no one EVER! My guess is that never happens but why do I allow it to happen in my mind? 
There is not much I can do, it's genetics.  My Mother was built the Same way and guess what?  My daughter is too.  She hates her thighs.  I hate myself for allowing her to hear me be so hateful to my own body.  What have I done?!  

Someone told me once that I should not complain about my body because many woman wish they were my size.  So does that mean I am not allowed my feelings?  That hardly seems fair.  I had a gal come to me once looking for a personal trainer.  She was upset because of her belly pouch and wanted to get rid of it.  She was all of 98 pounds and had a gorgeous body.  She did not have a visible pouch but to her it was there.  I had to recognize her feelings. 

My low self esteem started as a young child.  My Mother passed away when I was three and I had four brothers and my Dad to raise me.  I had frizzy red hair, a string bean body, buck teeth and bad acne.  Ahhh, the good ole days.  We moved a lot or what seemed to be more than most people when I was young.  I didn't make friends very easily because I was painfully shy.  In grade school and middle school, I was made fun of not only because of my red hair but because I always stood by the underdog.  I felt so sorry for the kids that were picked on because I knew how it felt.  I never felt adequate and good enough.  I was very skinny until I hit the age of 14.  Hello puberty and hello hips.  High school wasn't as bad as grade school and middle school but my shyness and quiet nature was misunderstood by many for being conceited.  It's amazing how just those years can shape us into who we become.  I am so thankful that I didn't have to grow up in this day and age.  I know what I went through was nothing compared to what some go through now. 

Honestly though, all of that is in the past and it is what it is.  We all have a story, one that shapes and defines us.  I'm not whining or complaining just sharing my story.  

I kind of got off on a tangit here but the moral of my story is, be kind to not only others this year but to yourself.  We are only human.  We are allowed flaws, it's what makes us so special!   We have so much to offer each other that does not involve the size of our thighs.  We are wonderful beings that do not deserve to be picked apart by ourselves. 

Happy New Year Friends.   

Here are today's stats!

 
1. Read the Daily Proclamation aloud each morning and night. done- Really trying to slow down in the morning and read every word. Done

2. Compliment someone each day and say nothing negative about anyone. I had my carpets cleaned in my house last week and in my business today.  My friend owns the company and I complimented him on his good work and his awesome employees.  He started his business from the ground up and he has done a wonderful job.  Quality Carpet Care if you need some cleaning!! 

3. Stop eating BEFORE you are full - no problem- Follow the special body cleansing program- I am eating a vegan diet. I am only allowed to steam my food. No cooking on the stove or microwave.    I did great on my eating today.  I went to Enzo's for dinner and I had a salad.  I absolutely lOVE their bread and olive oil but I did not indulge.   

4. Do not get angry, curse or complain. Do not gossip about anyone- Did not curse or complain today.  I have to say the hardest part of this challenge in not to gossip.  It's not that I am going around talking about everyone but it's amazing how much in discussions, other people come up.  I can't TALK about anyone.  I have found myself starting to say stuff then stop and say "oh I can't gossip."  Just try it.  Rough.

5. Give someone something material each day.- I wasn't going to go into detail about the gifts but I have changed my mind on that. Hey it's my blog, I can change my mind anytime....so anyway....I want to show how easy it is to make someones day with so little!   I went to the movies tonight and watched This is 40.  It was hilarious!!  I decided before I went to the show that I would pay for another couples tickets for my gift for the day.  I gave the cashier $20 and said, I'd like to pay for the next couple behind me.  She was so touched and got all teary eyed and was so flustered she couldn't finish my transaction or remember what movie I was paying for for myself. She was very sweet!  She said she was a teacher and it touched her to see kindness.  Before I made it into the movie, the couple came up to me thanking me for the random act of kindness.  He said he paid it forward to the next person behind them.  LOVE THAT!
 
6. Pray and read scripture for your age in minutes daily.- I pray for 11 minutes in the morning and 11 minutes at night. I also listen to an audio bible for 11 minutes in the morning and 11 at night.  Done

7. Drink half my weight in ounces of water.- done I have to drink 72 ounces of water. Done

8. If you are doing any of these stop. Stop flirting, having affairs, committing fornication, looking at pornography, or communicating with a person who is not your spouse. Nope

9. Wash my face before bed. This isn't part of the challenge but I made it part. I need to get back into the habit!  Done


My weight is as follows-
Day 1. 146.1
2. 144.0
3. 142.3
4. 142.6
Restart day 1. 143.8
2. 144.2
3. 142.7
4. 142.3
5. 140.9
6. 140.6
7. 140.4

Day 6

                    We first make our habits, then our habits make us!

 

I have that on my laptop as my wallpaper.  It is so very true.  I am feeling really good about my challenge.  It's becoming easier by the day.  My cravings are gone as are my bloating and fatigue.  Yay me!

Here are today's stats-

1.  Read the Daily Proclamation aloud each morning and night. done- Really trying to slow down in the morning and read every word. Done

2. Compliment someone each day and say nothing negative about anyone.   I had to compliment two people today due to missing yesterday.  I complimented a gal at Kroger tonight- she had an adorable purse!  I then complimented a gal at the gas station. I told her it may seem like she has a thankless job but without her, we couldn't go anywhere.  I told her how much I appreciate her!  She seemed shocked I would say that.  We need to say these things more!

3. Stop eating BEFORE you are full - no problem- Follow the special body cleansing program- I am eating a vegan diet. I am only allowed to steam my food. No cooking on the stove or microwave.    Today I did well-  I had a smoothie for breakfast.  I just mix a bunch of fresh and frozen fruit with water- delicious!!  For lunch, I steamed a veggie burger and veggies.  I am allowed a veggie burger a day as long as it has less then 280mg sodium.  I've been snacking on fruit and veggies all afternoon so I didn't officially eat anything for dinner. 

4. Do not get angry, curse or complain. Do not gossip about anyone- I did NOT curse today!!  Yay!!!! 

5. Give someone something material each day.- I wasn't going to go into detail about the gifts but I have changed my mind on that.  Hey it's my blog, I can  change my mind anytime....so anyway....I want to show how easy it is to make someones day with so little!  After I left Kroger tonight, I took a honey crisp apple to the gal at the gas station. I didn't know her and felt a little nervous before going in.  I was afraid she would think I was some weirdo.  (she prolly still did) I explained to her that I am doing a this challenge and I had something for her.  She was the one I complimented in #2 also.  I told her I used to work at a gas station and I know most of the time there is nothing healthy to eat there.  I gave her the apple.  She couldn't stop smiling!  She kept telling me how sweet and thoughtful that was.  She was outside doing the trash when I pulled up.  I remember doing that in the freezing cold.  It sucks!  That's why I told her how much we appreciate her.  Working at a gas station is a thankless job.  Everyone gets mad at YOU because of the gas prices but guess what!?  Everyone pays the same price!  Gas station employees don't get cheaper gas.  Just keep that in mind next time you grumble as you hand your money over to the clerk.  I felt great after leaving!  It made me think that I should give more people that I don't know gifts.  I had to give two gifts today since I missed yesterday.  I gave my step son's girlfriend a satin hands set from Mary Kay.  She wasn't nearly as excited as the girl with the apple but I think I would dig the apple more too.  It's all good.
 
6. Pray and read scripture for your age in minutes daily.- I pray for 11 minutes in the morning and 11 minutes at night. I also listen to an audio bible for 11 minutes in the morning and 11 at night.  My battery was dead when I got in the car as I was leaving Kroger.  I spend the time while I was waiting for a jump to listen to my audio bible.  I still listened to it when I got ready for bed.  I got a little extra in tonight, not because I had to but because I wanted to.  Bonus!

7. Drink half my weight in ounces of water.- done I have to drink 72 ounces of water. done!

8. If you are doing any of these stop. Stop flirting, having affairs, committing fornication, looking at pornography, or communicating with a person who is not your spouse.  Nope

9.  Wash my face before bed.  This isn't part of the challenge but I made it part.  I need to get back into the habit!  Done!


My weight is as follows-
Day 1. 146.1
2. 144.0
3. 142.3
4. 142.6
Restart day 1. 143.8
2. 144.2
3. 142.7
4. 142.3
5. 140.9
6. 140.6

Goodnight friends!
j

day 4 and 5

I know- I said I would post every night but the last two nights I have had a horrible headache. (not a complaint- just telling you why I didn't post)  I think it is from the new power of contacts.  My headache doesn't hit me until evening and I have been wearing them all day by then.  I'm really surprised I haven't been waking up with headaches from going through caffeine withdrawal.  I am doing fine without coffee.  That shocks me too because coffee is the first thing I do every morning. Turn my Keurig before I even make it to the bathroom.  I'm addicted.  When I smell flavored coffee, that is the hardest time for me.  LOVE me some flavored coffee.  When I originally was planning on doing this challenge, I made a decision not to cut coffee out, because I love having it in the morning so much.  But then the more I thought about it, I think that is the point of the challenge.  To overcome temptation, challenge and past habits.  This does not mean I won't drink coffee when I am off the challenge.  Wait, I just thought of something....I am taking advil for my hip so that may be why I am not having headaches in the morning.

Saturday I did well except for one thing....I cursed twice!  It just slipped out both times!  I didn't even realize I had done it the first time but my friend Summer caught me!  The second time, I caught myself.  Hmmm, maybe I curse more than I thought!  Guess what I did on Sunday- cursed once!  Yes, I need to work on that!  Here are my stats for the last two days.

Read the Daily Proclamation aloud each morning and night. done- Really trying to slow down in the morning and read every word.  Did both days!

2. Compliment someone each day and say nothing negative about anyone.  On day 4, I complimented two of my friends on their commitment of exercise.   I can see the progress over the last year. I did not compliment anyone yesterday because I had planned on going back out after I got home in the morning but the weather became too bad.  I was going to run down to the gas station but Cari had to go to work and said it was pretty slippery out.  So today, I will compliment two people.

3. Stop eating BEFORE you are full - no problem-   Follow the special body cleansing program- I am eating a vegan diet. I am only allowed to steam my food. No cooking on the stove or microwave. I realized I goofed in the beginning and it just didn't register! I made popcorn on the stove and I am not allowed to cook unless it is steamed. I read through some of the material again and realized I cannot use oil and vinegar. I was using that on my salad. Unintentional mistakes. I won't do it again. I am feeling so much better physically. I am starting to lose all my cravings for sugar! Whew!
 I went out to eat Friday night and was able to get a raw veggie tray as an appetizer and a salad with granny smith apples and walnuts.  It was delicious.

4. Do not get angry, curse or complain. Do not gossip about anyone- read ^ for the cursing.  I did both days!  Gah!  Have to try harder.  There is some drama going on in the family.  I am doing my best to stay out of it so I don't gossip or say anything I shouldn't.  Not easy.

5. Give someone something material each day.- I did give my gift on day 4 but not day 5.   I will give two gifts today.  I missed yesterday because of the weather. 
 
6. Pray and read scripture for your age in minutes daily.- I pray for 11 minutes in the morning and 11 minutes at night. I also listen to an audio bible for 11 minutes in the morning and 11 at night.  I have not missed a minute!

 7. Drink half my weight in ounces of water.- done I have to drink 72 ounces of water. done!

8.  If you are doing any of these stop. Stop flirting, having affairs, committing fornication, looking at pornography, or communicating with a person who is not your spouse.

My weight is as follows-
Day 1.  146.1
2.  144.0
3.  142.3
4.  142.6
Restart day 1.  143.8
2.  144.2
3.  142.7
4.  142.3
5.  140.9
6.  140.6

That's it for now.  So today, I will do two compliments and two gifts to make up for yesterday!  Have a blessed day friends!

Peace,
j

day 3 and a trip to red lobster

I am doing the 42 day challenge which you can find more info at do42.com  I have certain challenges I have to follow every day.  I am going to try to blog every night and tell you how my challenge is going.  I know this will probably be boring for you, but necessary for me. 

1. Read the Daily Proclamation aloud each morning and night.   done- I tend to read it REALLY fast in the morning because I am in such a hurry to get ready but I do slow down in the evening and take in each word.

2. Compliment someone each day and say nothing negative about anyone.  I complimented my daughter on her hair.

3.  Stop eating BEFORE you are full - no problem

4. If you are doing any of these stop. Stop flirting, having affairs, committing fornication, looking at pornography, or communicating with a person who is not your spouse or who is an ex.- not doing any of them

5.  Do not get angry, curse or complain.  Do not gossip about anyone- I'm not one to curse very much but, I said "hell" yesterday...slipped out.  Won't happen again.  Not complaining is hard.  I have to make a conscious effort not to complain.  Who knew I complained so much!  And gossiping....I will start to say, "did you hear...." but then I think ohhh I can't gossip.  Again, not easy!

6.  Give someone something material each day.- done  I don't think I really want to elaborate on this every day because I feel like it's not right.  I don't want to feel like I am patting myself on the back for doing a nice gesture. 
 
7.  Pray and read scripture for your age in minutes daily.- I pray for 11 minutes in the morning and 11 minutes at night.  I also listen to an audio bible for 11 minutes in the morning and 11 at night.

8.  Follow the special body cleansing program- I am eating a vegan diet. I am only allowed to steam my food.  No cooking on the stove or microwave. 

9.  Drink half my weight in ounces of water.- done  I have to drink 72 ounces of water. 



I find it hard to not use other methods of cooking.  I accidentally warmed up an apple in the microwave because it was cold from the fridge and I'd rather eat it room temperature.  It didn't even phase me until the next day that I had used the microwave.  Things we do normally without thinking are hard to change.  I won't do it again though.  I am using my tea kettle to make hot water for my lemon water in the morning.  I'm not drinking coffee, which I thought was going to be very hard for me but surprisingly, I am doing well with it. 

I went to Red Lobster for my brother's birthday tonight.  Before I went, I researched online what I could eat.  I knew it would have to be a salad since I can't guarantee they steam anything.  I found one online that I could eat.  It had blue cheese on it so I was sure to tell the waitress no cheese.  I really wasn't tempted for anything else.  Even the cheddar biscuits which are DELICIOUS!!!  I was pretty excited that it didn't bother me as I am hoping being off sugar is going to make my brain stop these stupid cravings.  I have been craving chocolate something fierce!!

I was explaining to my daughter about the rules of the challenge.  I told her if I do something unintentional, it is forgiven and I can continue on the challenge.  However, if I intentionally did something I knew was wrong, I would have to start over.  (Hence the starting over on day 3 due to my yelling).  We made peanut butter balls and they looked and smelled sooooo good.  I stood there watching her eat one and I said how much I would love to try one.  She looked at me and in an instant shoved her half eaten peanut butter in my mouth.  She walked away and said "unintentional, you're welcome!" 

I love that girl!

I am really enjoying listening to my audio bible.  I always listen to more than 11 minutes.  I am also making a commitment to wash my face every day before bed.  I used to be really good about it but like everything else once I fall off the wagon, it's sooo hard to get back on.   I would be tired and just fall into bed not caring.  I would take time to brush my teeth but that would be it.  Now I listen to my audio bible while washing my face at night!  Perfect!  

I was starting to have trouble thinking of things to pray about.  I admit, normally my prayers are short and to the point.  This makes me really dig deep and pray about things that I normally wouldn't.  I like that.

I am going to post my daily weight to.  I actually started this challenge on the 21st at 146.1...this morning I was 142.7. 

That's it for tonight friends!  Time for my beauty sleep!

In light and love-
j

The meaning of Christmas

I failed my challenge already.  I made it to day 3.  I didn't fail because I ate something I shouldn't- which was a miracle because Cari and made peanut butter balls (dark AND white chocolate)!  I failed because I chose to get into an argument.  I was trying to stay as positive as I could but I could no longer hold my tongue. 

My argument was warranted in my mind and I couldn't hold it in any more.  When will we understand the meaning of Christmas?  When will we understand that it is NOT about how much or how little our money can buy?!  When will we understand Christmas is about our people.  Our people that surround us....our family, our friends and co-workers.  Christmas is about finding joy together from the year behind us and the year ahead.  It's about good food and better memories.  It's about laughter and spending time with the people you may not see every day. It's not about what I bought you or what I couldn't buy you this year.

Would you think less of me if I couldn't afford a gift for you this year?  Oh wait, if you are reading this, I probably couldn't afford a gift for you this year. 

Still love me?

Merry Christmas Friends.

Peace and love,
j

The next 42 days...

I am ready, ready to start the 42 day cleanse.  I am starting it today and it will go through January 31st, 2013.  I need positive in my life.  I need to cleanse my mind, body and spirit! 

I am committing to doing the 42 day cleanse. Here are the rules taken from do42.com

 

Basic Overview

1. Read the Daily Proclamation aloud each morning and night.
2. Compliment someone each day and say nothing negative about anyone.
3. Stop eating BEFORE you are full
4. If you are doing any of these stop. Stop flirting, having affairs, committing fornication, looking at pornography, or communicating with a person who is not your spouse or who is an ex.
   This helps to control the lust within you.
5. Do not get angry, curse or complain.
   Do not raise your voice in anger. Don’t allow anything great or small to make you angry or react in anger. Do not complain about ANYTHING. Not the weather, not the government, not the news, not your aches, not your money, not your kids, your spouse, your job, your car, traffic or anything else.
   Do NOT complain about ANYTHING!
6. Give someone something material each day.
   The size does not matter. Whether it is a dollar or a donut or buying someone’s lunch, You must give someone “other than your own children” something each day. At least every other day it must be someone OUTSIDE of your family. If you are member of a church, during this period you will give to your church as directed by your church. Concentrating on giving helps to control greed and realize your own blessings.
7. Pray and read scripture for your age in minutes daily.
   Find this on the Age/Minutes chart.
   This helps to control spiritual laziness and to know the Word and Voice of God.
8. Follow the special body cleansing program

Do’s	Don’ts
Do Read the Daily Proclamation each morning & night	Don’t commit one of the 7 deadly sins. No pride, no envy, no gluttony, no lust, no anger, no greed, no sloth.
Do Compliment someone each day	Don’t eat anything not on the body cleansing program.
Do stop eating before you are full	Don’t forget to drink your water!
Do Give someone something material each day	Don’t eat animal products of ANY kind. No dairy, no honey, no fish, no chicken, nothing derived from an animal.
Do pray and read scripture for your age in minutes daily	Don’t cook your foods (except for steamed). No baked, fried, grilled, microwaved, flamed or boiled. This also means no bread
Do listen to the 7 messages	Don’t use pre-packaged seasonings. No salt, pepper, etc.
Do the body cleansing program	Don’t quit
Do drink the proper amount of pure water during the entire 42 days.
Do Drink at least ½ of your body weight (Pounds) in ounces daily. For example, if you weigh 100 pounds, drink at least 50 ounces of water per day. If you weigh 150 pounds, drink at least 75 ounces, etc.
Do drink distilled water. It is best for cleansing.
Do drink your water at room temperature, not cold.
Do Use bottled water if you cannot get distilled.
Do use garlic & fresh herbs
Do eat steamed & raw foods
Do eat lots of living fresh foods. Fruits, veggies, salads, nuts, smoothies … Soooooo, what do you think?  Anyone interested in doing this with me?  I'm starting on Sunday July 15th and ending Saturday August 25th!  I need something to focus on.  Something to keep me positive.   I. Cannot. Complain. At. All. Bring. It. On. You can find the website HERE if you are interested in checking out more about it.  The eating gets more detailed on the website and I will be going through that here in more detail as I go along.   Did you read that?!  I can't complain.  I can't complain.  Ok, here goes nothing! Love and Peace, j

One breath at a time

Today started out really rough for me.  I had a doctor appt at 6:30am in South Bend.  I needed to leave my house by 5:30am.  This is early but not a big deal for me as I'm up early daily- my alarm usually goes off at 4:30am every morning.  I slept through my alarm only to wake up at 6am.  It's weird because I had no idea when I opened my eyes that it was that late because it is still dark out.  I hopped out of bed, put my contacts in and got quickly dressed as I knew my dogs would be needing to go for their morning walk.  As I came downstairs my eyes were not focusing correctly.  I received new contacts yesterday.  I could tell they were not going to work as nothing was in focus.  We did our morning walk and I fed all the animals.  I tried to call the doctor but they weren't open.  How is that possible when I am supposed to be there right now?!  I felt like just crawling right back into bed!  On top of all that, I went to bed with a stomach ache and it was STILL upset!  I ate pizza for dinner and it did not agree with me.

I start to head back upstairs. We have gates in a couple doorways to keep the dogs contained in a certain are of the house.  These gates are not always compliant with opening and closing easily so I decided to step over the gate.  Did I mention that I just had hip surgery a week ago and I should NOT be lifting my leg up over that gate?  I get one leg over and my other foot catches on the top of the gate. Down I go straight on the ceramic tiles (no it couldn't be carpet).  My knees mostly take the impact.  I swear when I hit the floor the whole house shook.  I laid there accessing my injuries and hoping for someone to come to my rescue...I started to tear up then just started laughing. Really?!  This is how my morning is going to be?!  The dog started barking but no rescuers.  I wanted to grumble and complain so I texted my friend Berta.  Told her I overslept- missed my appointment. Her reply was that I must've gotten a good nights sleep!  I have not been sleeping well AT ALL!  She was right!  I slept good!  I starting thinking about how awful my morning was but then realized how lucky I am to be alive.  I am allowed a crummy start to my day but how I react to it is what matters.  I know there are a lot of funerals in Connecticut this week and my bad morning is nothing compared to the grief they are going through.

I took some long deep breaths.  Took a hot shower and an anti-inflammatory (thanks for the reminder berta).  Called doc to reschedule.  I was able to reschedule for later today.  Yay!   Called the eye doc and took care of the contact issue.  I was able to enjoy my morning without rushing around like a mad woman. 

One breath at a time.  One day at a time. 

Remember if you are having a horrible day...step back....take a moment.  We are allowed to be upset, to feel cranky.  But don't let it ruin the rest of the day.  Life is just too short.

In light and love,
j